Berger ends his good/bad-reflection with the words: "Sometimes I don't understand myself. I drink all night long I fight I destroy bars... I ask myself why I have to do this. After one of my excesses I was imprisoned in Rome for four days. A terrible time. But that other thing in me was stronger once again. That satanic devil just won't let me be."
He then goes back to 1974 and talks about the famous "Bad taste"-Party on his 30th birthday in the famous "Jackie O."-Nightclub in Rome. Everyone Valentino Bianca Jagger or Ursula Andress dressed in strange kind of ways.
The more cocaine there was the crazier the party people became. Everything was fun to Berger back then. Over the past few years he became more and more thoughtful about many things in his life.
He complains tv-shows in Germany want to make profit of his 'scandalous' appearances. He tells he is very nervous in front of an audience and only in the last years he started to enjoy such shows. He had a few funny moments in shows such as "Harald Schmidt"-Late-Night-Show (the host admires Berger).
For example he had to play soccer for a "no power to drugs"-benefite (every goal meant a certain amount of money) and changed the title of the game to "money for drugs".
Berger says: "Most people don't realize it but I am quite shy. I often drank alcohol to get more relaxed. Or I took drugs before a film premiere."
He then goes back to the beginning of his life talks about his parents Franz and Hedwig Steinberger (hotel owners his father died in 1996). Berger was born in 1944 during World War II and his father was imprisoned in Russia. He first saw him when he was three years old. Their relationship was not a good or a close one. His father wanted him to learn a 'real' job and did not accept his decision to become an actor. He often beat the rebellious young Helmut up. Berger never talks about this in 'Ich' but it is very probable that he saw Visconti as a sort of father figure. His mother loved and does still love him very much (he sometimes calls her up from his flat in Rome and she gets into the airplane and visits him with tons of traditional Austrian food). She always supported him.
Berger tells us about his school career too. It was an "odysee". He did not stay in one of the schools very long he was often kicked out because he misbehaved or did not want to learn. In the end his parents had to put him in an expensive school for the lazy kids of the rich and famous where he did not have to learn that much and finished his school career. Before that he was in a school where monks taught him that sex is a sin. Berger tells us that he needed some time to get over those morals and in his first sexual relationships - they were with women - he did not really feel great pleasure and had to use alcohol. Only for a short time he worked for his parents as a waiter. He couldn't stand the mediocrity around him he wanted to be free he wanted to meet famous people he wanted to be famous himself! He stole money from his mother and left Austria in the night.
Berger worked as a bar mixer in first-class-hotels in Switzerland. He lost his virginity there at 18 (it was in 1962). His girlfriend was Renata he knew her from Salzburg. She loved him and wanted him to stay but as so often in his life nobody could stop him. He had to get away. He had to see more. He had to be where exciting things happen. In 1963 he moved to London the Flower-Power-metropole of that time.

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end of part 2

greetings from vienna sebastian
10/29.1999

After arriving in London, Berger took his first acting lessons and worked as a waiter in an 'In-Restaurant' on King's Road and as a model. He took private lessons, because an acting school did not accept him (his English was too poor back then. Now Berger is able to act in films in four languages: German, Italian, English and French). It was the beginning of the 'Hippie'-era. All the actors, musicians, photographers, starlets were one big family. And soon Berger was one of them. All of the houses of the stars (for example Cat Stevens) were open, joints were smoked and free love - to be precise: orgies - were en vogue. Berger made his first sexual experiences involving men:
"There were so many of us. You touched your neighbour. It just happened. You are relaxed, a bit high, you caress and want to be caressed. Everything gets very erotic and you feel horny. You undress. Feel free from rules and morals. Oh, l, l, you play with yourself and with others. We are all sisters and brothers. A sweet boy turns me on, it feels natural. "
Life was one big party. Berger says he only smoked joints in London, he did not touch cocaine, LSD and ecstasy. But he sure did later. He tells us his drug story and some - memorable - experiences.
His first LSD-experience was in the USA, during the promotin-tour for "The Damned" (it must have been 1969). He was there together with his friend Ylia Suchanek from Austria. Berger took it in the house of "Hair"-producer Michael Butler, "a master of this drug". He describes his trip - thank god, a good one! - and tells the reader that it is necessary to drink a lot of juice to clean the body. No alcohol! But we all love Berger because he is so human. He makes mistakes. When he took his first ecstasy-pill in 1985 in Paris during the shooting of "Smaragd", he drank wine and had a headache for days... He describes the experience of this drug as "sex in the head. You want it, but you cannot do it. You feel so nice and relaxed, you don't stand up."
Berger's cocaine-career started in 1971 in Rome (Nightclub "Number One").
"It was the jet-set-drug. If everybody was on it, I had to be too. You know, I am very easily influenced by other people. I like modern things. I wanted to be "in" back then. Immediately I took half a pound..." He tells us that cocaine gives him the biggest kick. But he also says it is dangerous and we should not touch it. When he is on cocaine Berger can work for days and does not feel tired. He says that now he takes it only from time to time, but in the seventies it was his number-one happy-maker. Visconti soon recognised that something was wrong with him and sent him to a psychiatrist. But Berger said that he cannot sleep because he has to think about his acting so much.
Only in 1974 Visconti found out about Berger sniffing cocaine. He controlled his nightlife, took away his keys. But - as always - nobody could stop him.
The craziest thing happend on the ball of Monte Carlo. Berger sniffed cocaine of bad quality. Then he sat down to eat, but a fart become very liquid and landed in his trousers. He wore white trousers! So they became brown and he could not stand up and had to sit still from 9 till 4 in the morning. All his friends thought he was sick because he did not want to dance with them - usually, Berger is a passionate dancer. After he got home he changed his clothes and danced ecstatically in a club because he had to get all the stress of the evening out of his head."
And he stills likes to party. In 1992 he gave a wild party for his 50th birthday. It was in France, in the house of his friend countess Elène d'Estenville. Jack Nicholson and Roman Polanski were there. Berger gave caviar, cocaine, ecstasy, hash, wodka, champagner, lobster to his friends.
The party lasted for two days. The house was a complete mess afterwards - and nobody had touched the wonderful food! The big joke is that it was only his 48th birthday. He said he was 50 because he wanted to make a big party.
At the end of this chapter Berger gets thoughtful. He says he never was hooked on any drug, but he confesses that he has an alcohol problem:
"I become the opposite of what I really am. A person that I hate. This liar, this monster, this anti-human being, it acts as if it were the devil himself. A horror!
It started after Visconti's death in 1976. The shock of my life. I used strong alcoholicas, drank them more and more often. I knew: My life is divided in the Helmut Berger before Luchino Visconti and the one with L.V.
And, of course, the one after L.V. And this one could be a nigthmare.
Something inside my soul died with Luchino. He took my strength and my hope into his grave. Again and again, I could cry and shout: 'Mille grazie, Luchino, I am angry with you. Why did you leave me so soon?' This is my real problem. I fight against alcohol every day, because I love my profession and my friends and don't want to lose them. Why do I do this to me? I must get things straight. I will get things straight. The best drink against thirst and for a good mood is beer, which I have with my pasta today." (I guess this passage shows that Berger wrote his autobiography as a sort of therapy and that, despite all his problems, he has a strong will to go on with life. And so should we.)

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end of part 3

greetings from vienna sebastian
10/31.1999

The following part is the last one of the big chapter one: 'The longing of my life'. enjoy it,
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Berger tells us that his relationships with women were so difficult because of his alcohol abuse. However, the biggest problem is that they want men to marry and settle down and this is not Berger's way of life. He tells us a sentence by 18th-Century German poet Jean Paul (one of his favorites, along Austria's Robert Musil): "Women love 24 hours a day, men have to do other things in-between times." Berger writes that his relationship with Marisa Berenson ended because of such problems. The big sensation is that Berger was (and I guess, still is) married. He only writes a few sentences about this. He does not give the whole name of the lady, calls her Francesca. He says that it was a mistake - he married in 1995 - and that he will get divorced (maybe this already happened). This woman must have been a good friend over a long time - fifteen years. Berger says she used him. Maybe she wanted his money (Berger must have got a large sum after Visconti's death).
Perhaps Berger had a difficult phase when he married her, it might have been a very spontaneous decision - he may even have been drunk when she took him to the registry office. We don't know. But it becomes evident that he does not want to tell to much about this episode and is a bit embarrased about it. Although Berger claims that he generally prefers men nowadays, he still is bisexual.
If Visconti was the Number one man of his life, actress Brit Ekland is the Number one woman. They are friends for over thirty years and he says he loves her since then, but there was always something between them. Back then Ekland was married to Peter Sellers (who died because of a overdose of cocaine; Berger: "Brit had such energy, he could not keep up with her pace".) Then she was the wife of a rich man from Venice and then she was married to an American film producer. After that she married singer Rod Stewart. Berger even made a marriage proposal to her after her divorce from Stewar during a dinner in his flat in Rome. But Ekland didn't answer, they both burst out laughing. Still his proposal was serious. Somehow it did not work out. Maybe Ekland knew that it would not work and that Berger is not the guy to live with for the rest of her life. They are still good friends though.
"Love is easier with men. They all have a mother complex, they don't look at the eyes of a woman or at her hands, but at her breasts. Men don't think about love and rainbows. You go out and then you do it, simply because you are horny. You say "Ciao" afterwards and not "Ti amo"." (You might say he is not talking about love, but only about sex!)
Then he talks about the time after Visconti: "I did not experience such a big love after his death. Our friendship had this inner freedom. But, of course, we were both jealous. Our love, one coming and going, and very very intense. He was the father of my choice. I still have my mother. Every year she is with me in Rome for many weeks and cooks wonderful."
Then Berger prints a few recipes from himself and his mother which, as he says, "a lot of my friends ask for all the time". They include the famous Wiener Schnitzel (Berger's recipe, most embarrasingly, is not right), but also a nice pasta alla gecca (with the "gay sauce", as he likes to call it:
You mix small chopped tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, garlicm, basil, salt, pepper and olive oil. Then you put it in the refrigerator over night. On the next day simply pour it over spaghetti al dente. a nice summer dish, we tried it.) or the traditional Italian vegetable-soup Minestrone (basically you can take all vegetables of the season, add some soup, you can also add mini-pasta. Berger says you should not add tomatoes because the soup gets too sour, but we don't think so. When you serve it, add a little parmesan cheese!).
In 1964 Berger moved from London to Italy. He went to Ischia (he did not know that the castle of the Visconti's is there). He then talks about money and that he always needed a lot of it. "I want to live! You understand? I did not want to get stuck in the middle class." Berger owns a lot of paintings of famous artists and also buys such of young painters. As they get worth more and more, his money also grows. Berger prefers buying paintings to putting his money on the bank. Perhaps a mistake. 1992 he lost paintings by Mir, Chagall, Schiele, Picasso when his flat burned. His friends could not believe that he laughed about it. "Come on, after such an accident, another door of my life opens."
Then Berger talks about photographs and the work with David Bailey and Helmut Newton. A picture Newton took of Berger is hanging in the London Tate Galery, division of modern art. Berger, modest as ever: "The picture is a great success. So many people want to look at it that sometimes this room has to be closed."
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end of part 4

greetings from vienna sebastian
10/31.1999