"Ich" - Helmut Berger's Autobiography

part12 - part14

The Tragedy of My Life: Widow at 32



Ich-part12

"One year later, March, 17, 1977, I wanted to follow Luchino. I believed and hoped to meet him in his new world. What should I do down here on earth withouth him? My preparations were perfect. I had collected all the pills I could get. I had to be careful, because all my friends and Maria were watching me. When I had enough pills, I was happy and swallowed them. But by chance, Maria, who started working in the afternoon already arrived in the morning on that day. She found me. I don't know if this was good or not. I don't know that, even now, twenty years later. Scusi! My feelings jump from yes to no, just like a Yo-Yo. One day later, I awoke in the hospital. Even though they wanted me to stay for a few days, I jumped up and left. My depression was over when I awoke. That's me. Hot or cold. I had not made it, so why not give life another try?" Berger then tells us that he had swallowed too many pills. Twelve would have been enough, but he had taken eightteen. When he was uncounscious he spit them out. His friends Ursula Andress and Marisa Mell helped him, Romy Schneider often phoned him up. He talks about Marisa Mell and that they were good friends, but that she made one big mistake: She wanted to stay a sex-idol when other actresses had decided to become ladies at a certain point. Then Berger talks about Visconti's testament: "I am often asked about his testament. His family told me that his last will has disappeared. But his butler told me that the testament was robbed. But I did not want to provoke a scandal after his death. ... Only sometimes I am sad about the loss of our summer-house in Castelgandolfo. It would have been his gift for me. But so what? 'C'est la vie!', Romy would say. Done, basta! Let's think big. I was never interested in mediocrity. I wanted to play big parts." And so he did, in "The Voracious Ones" (Sergio Gobbi), "Vittoria" (Antonio Ribas) or in the American movie "Entebbe" with Liz Taylor, Richard Dreyfuss, Kirk Douglas, Burt Lancaster and Linda Blair. "Linda Blair - we had a wild, fast flirt. We had an affair in the 'Chateau Marmont' in Hollywood. But I also had sex with her brother. He seduced me. It was a family-affair. I hope that God will not damn me." Berger also played in "The Great Battle" and in "The Rose of Danzig" (with Franco Nero). Envy is a big theme of Berger's life. Franco Nero was envious. They had several fights at the shooting. "Envy has something to do with religion. People who belive in themselves are not envious. I meet envious people all the time. It started in school. I was a very concentrated pupil and didn't have to learn that much. The same thing as an actor. I learn my texts very fast and my colleagues are jealous. I am moving all the time, I am intelligent, sporty, modern and concentrate on my own interests. Envy produces violence, provokes wars, seperates people. Capito?" Envy was also a theme in Hollywood. When Berger played in "Dynasty - Denver Clan" he was not allowed to even speak to colleagues and friends who played in "Dallas", because there was a rivalry between the two tv-series. "After Luchino's death, I received hundreds of letters. But only three from Rome (from Flora Mastroianni, Virna Lisi and his agent Carol Levy). But what about all the other friends and artists? What had happened? Suddenly people said that Visconti's style was out of fashion. 'Viscontian' was a negative word. But his films were classics. I believe that his colleagues were envious. He was dead, so there was no one who could show that all the films of the other directors were crap. I was out of my mind for the next years. For the other directors I was a 'Viscontian' actor. Without Luchino I was not half the man and actor I used to be. He had tainted me. Tainted by the beautiful things in life. The taste in his films, the style, the design. ... All those things were reasons for my suicide attempt. Even now I am not used to the fast-food-filming of so many other actors. I want quality in the films. Is that too much? The producers fear that I want my own make-up artist, Alberto del Rossi, that I want my own secretary. They fear class and style. But I believe in the creative power in artists. I don't give up."
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end of part 12

greetings from vienna sebastian
11/22.1999


Ich-part13

In 1978 Berger played in "The Fifth Commandment" (Duccio Tessari), a film about two brothers who are gangsters and are finally shot by the police. The film was shot in Germany. "I was bored on the weekends in [the town] Essen. I was sentimental, my feelings were changing from up to down, from highs to depressions. To cheer up, I called up my friends all over the world. I want to live. You understand? It is terrible to come to a hotel room, you don't know anybody, but the press watches everything you do." In Munich he was introduced to Holde Heuer, the co-author of his autobiography. She was responsible for the promotion of the Hilton Hotel and saved Berger from being kicked out of the house due to misbehaviour: "Holde saved me. She kept me from the cheap Munich drug scene. She warned me to deal with the people around Rainer Werner Fassbinder. ... Holde is one of the people who understand my contradictions, my feelings and thoughts." German magazine "Bunte" wrote a series of articles about Berger, titled "A Guy Like Silks And Satins". During this time in Germany Berger had lunch with Maria Schell, Curd JEgens and director Werner Herzog. Berger paid the enormous bills. "A project with Fassbinder did not work out. He wanted to work with me. I sat in the cafEand waited. He arrived an hour late together with a friend, just as I was about to leave. He was full of cocaine. I told him that I could not talk to him in the state he was in. And I left. Fassbinder tried to get me for two of his films later." But Berger did not like the fact that Fassbinder never had a script and only followed his intuition. And he also did not like Fassbinder's looks, his dirty leather-clothes and that he had not shaved for days. But Berger says, "I appreciate his works and his success as a director." Berger goes on talking about the business problems of an actor. Often he has to fight to get the sum he was told to get paid. Every actor now needs his own lawyer and an agent. Following projects were "Fantomas" (1980; Claude Chabrol loved working with Berger and said "All the people only talk about Berger's scandals, but nobody says that he is one of the first people on the set in the morning and that he knows his text perfectly. We did not have to repeat one scene for Berger." It was Berger's first role for TV, "Fantomas" was a series in four parts), "My Wife Is A Witch" (1980; directors Castellano and Pipolo) and German film "Die Jäger" (1982; director Károly Makk). Berger talks a lot about his time in "Dynasty - Denver Clan" (1983/84). Producer Aaron Spelling wanted him to play a European playboy. He had to play a man who only wants his wife's money and is hooked on cocaine. But Berger did not like working in Hollywood. He describes it like a factory, every week the production team changed and another director was responsible for every new episode. This was not the place to be for an actor who used to work with Visconti and was used to higher European standards. For the eight months in Hollywood Berger took an apartment in which he lived with his coach. Soon he fired her because she made phone-calls to Europe which Berger had to pay. His colleagues Linda Evans, Joan Collins, Pamela Sue Martin and John Forsythe were friendly in the beginning, and so were Spelling's secretaries. But Berger immediately realized that they did not mean what they said. As said before, he never liked America and its citizens. "During the first four weeks I gave my best. No cocaine, no alcohol. I needed a clear head, because the actors got their text in the morning and we only had little time to learn it." Soon Berger was disappointed. None of his colleagues invited him to their houses, none of them thanked him for his presents. He realized that Hollywood means "making business without any soul". His only fun were the weekends where he met his friend Jack Nicholson and other stars. They smoked a few joints and felt wonderful. Berger likes Nicholson and calls him "one of the funniest men I know". Berger told him about his problems and Nicholson said: "The role is good for you. Everyone in America sees you. You become famous." But then the "Denver"-people said that Berger was not allowed to met people like Nicholson or Marlon Brando because everyone in Hollywood knew that those people were sniffing cocaine. He was also not allowed to visit the best night club, "Studio One", because it was known for his homosexual guests. "I could not believe it. All those jerks. Puritans. But secretely they all watch porno movies. I did not follow their rules. I had to come to the office every second day. They told me that my role would slowly disappear, if I would not do what they said. I answered: 'You really believe that I stay at home and don't meet my friends? Really? Heil Hitler.' So I was only part of 'Denver' for eleven episodes. In the end my airplane crashed against a mountain." Only when his shootings for "Denver" where over, Berger felt better and started to have fun in Hollywood. He stayed there for one month longer. He did a lot of shopping, was invited by Warren Beatty, and Barbra Streisand was giving a dinner for him. "I met Grace Jones, Linda Blair, Sally Kellerman, Richard Dreyfuss, Michael Douglas and Michelle Philips. And, of course, Marisa Berenson who was divorced from her first husband, billionaire Jimmy Rendall. I was totally high when I left Hollywood, this magical place of false illusions."
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end of part 13

greetings from vienna sebastian
11/23.1999


Ich-part14

After "Dynasty" Berger played in "Code Name: Emerald" (1985) and "Promessi Sposi" (1988; for Italian TV). He also appeared in "Godfather III" (1990). Berger had a fight with Al Pacino because Pacino thought Berger's English was not good enough. In 1993 Berger played Ludwig again for "Ludwig 1881" (with Swiss directors Fosco and Donatello Dubini). "A beautiful film, but I was very melancholic. My memories of the first film, my memories of Luchino and Romy came over me." In 1996 Berger shot two films on two continents: "Das Unglück der Pharaonen" in Morocco and "Last Cut" in Venezuela ("I had to act in a wheel-chair. This is not as simple as you may think. I even fell into the swimming pool..."). The next works were "La Revanche" and "L'affaire Dreyfus". Berger says that he is not really interested in politics. He is more interested in persons, so he takes interest in the lifes of politicians. He says he likes Clinton and that a man cannot only make love to a First Lady all the time, he needs other women. A very strange fact is that Berger says he is attracted to Fidel Castro, he calls him "a sexy bitch" and states that Cuban men are "well-built". Berger would like to be alone with Castro and a video camera....! Berger talks about his friendship with Gina Lollobrigida and that she is a great artist and woman who always wanted to be independent from men. He goes on talking about his many friends and how important they are for him. "I am never bored when I have friends around me. Boredom and injustice are the things I hate the most." Berger has a heart for the weak and surpressed. He once was in jail because he started a street fight in Rome after the police had arrested a black musician without any cause. It was a Friday and he had to stay in prison until Monday. It was not Berger's only time there. Another story: "I had diner with Flora and Marcello Mastroianni, Ursula Andress and Tomas Milian. I heard that there are police controls because they were looking for terrorists. I was curious and left my guests and told them I had a phone call from Hollywood." The police stopped his car, he was furious and ended in prison again. "Maria was a perfect host for my friends. She did not react when my friends asked her where I was. She already knew my spontaneous decisions." Another police-episode: Berger was dancing in "Piper Club" in Rome. It was hot, he ran out of the club and peed to what he believed to be a tree. But it was the boot of a police woman. She forgived him, he was not arrested. But the Paparazzi were there and the photograph was in the papers. He says that he never played in a theatre role (by the way, his favourite actors are Orson Welles, Peter Ustinov and Peter O'Toole) and has problems with crowds. He was often very nervous before a talk-show. But, as he grows older, he says he likes appearing in such shows more and more. He then talks about getting older and sex. "Without sex I get nervous and hysterical. I take a cold shower. I am not one of those men who have to fuck every night. My libido is quite controlled. I need one or two drinks before I can really feel free. When I was young, I wanted to be seduced. Now I take all the pretty young men into my bed and say: 'Rock me, babe.' My affairs never last long. I often ask myself 'Why?'. I am too critical. I am bossy, aggressive. I ask for too much. If I think about it, sex really is not that important for me. Why not masturbate for six months? Friendship is much more important. It is like a rose. You have to care for it every day to keep it fresh. I don't have to tell you that looks and outfit are important for me. I was voted 'best-dressed men in the world' twice by magazine 'Women Wares Daily'. Why? The shoes are Italian or hand-made from London. The socks are from Milan. Trousers by Givenchy. Jackets by Yves Saint Laurent. Shirts from Rome. Ties from Hermès or duty-free shops. I don't fear getting older. I don't like lifting or plastic surgery. I think I still look good with my 54 years and my fast life-style. My awards: European Oscar=David di Donatello, San Sebastiano, Preis Valentino. I did not care about other awards. I left the trophies in the hotels." He goes on talking about legendary dinners with Flora and Marcello Mastroianni and about the art of cooking of Maria. "Many people only see me as an extravagant scandal-guy. But I am an actor. I show my feelings so that people can read them like a book. I have learned from great directors like Visconti, Tinto Brass, de Sica. They have changed me. With every new film I make, I wonder what Luchino would say about my part. He talks to me in my dreams and even now, when I write this down. He is with me and saves me. He keeps the hope alive that everything will be fine. But will I ever be able to love again so deeply? I think I have had it! I take a lot of power from nature nowadays. I go to the country, visit friends in Upper Austria and relax. I read Musil and erotic books. My wildest days are over. Only sometimes I allow myself to act crazy. When I travel. Shopping- and party-orgies. But even when Luchino was alive I could have a quiet day without any action. Well, of course I became a bit restless on the second day. If I don't feel free, I just leave. There are so many beautiful things, I would not want to miss them. I went out or drove to Ischia. You know, life goes on. And today? I am still curious about new roles, new impressions, my friends and about myself. You know, I like myself. I am what I am. Take me or leave me!"
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my work is done

greetings from vienna sebastian
11/30.1999



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